Longing, Yet Fearing Be Heard. How We Can Help If You Think You Can’t Sing.

Jackie and I recently spent a day representing Women Rockin’ Harmony Choirs ®   alongside other music and performing arts educators, at a lively community open day. We were there to connect with adult women who might be interested in joining our ranks - and connect we did!

Over the course of the day, we met around twenty women ranging in age from eighteen to their fifties. Every one of them expressed a genuine longing to sing with others, to be part of something joyful and musical. And yet, without exception, each one began by assuring us that she “couldn’t sing” - and then listing all the reasons why we “wouldn’t want her” in the choir.

Almost every story shared had a familiar theme. At some point during their primary school years, these now-grown women had been advised - usually by an adult in authority - to “stand at the back and mime.” It might have been just before a school concert, or during a choir rehearsal.

I don’t believe for a moment that those adults intended to be unkind, let alone to influence a child’s self-belief for decades to come. More likely, they were working under pressure, with limited time, large class sizes, or without specialist musical training. Often, it’s not malice but a lack of resources or confidence in managing developing voices that leads to these decisions. Children’s voices vary hugely, and a song that sits comfortably for some may be completely unsuitable for others. Boys’ voices are known to change, but girls’ voices can vary and shift too. Without the tools to adapt a song’s key or add simple harmonies, an adult might do what seems most expedient in the moment - but the emotional impact can be lifelong.

Our voice originates inside us; it’s part of our physical and emotional being. It connects directly to our thoughts and feelings through the words we speak and sing. So when a child hears “don’t sing,” it can land as “don’t be.” At that age, we naturally look to adults for guidance about our worth and our place in the world. Being told to mime can send powerful, unintended messages: I’m not good enough. I shouldn’t be heard. I don’t belong here.

Fast forward to adulthood, and many of those same individuals avoid any situation involving singing - school productions, karaoke, open mic' or sing-a-long events - until one day, often decades later, curiosity or courage leads them to walk into a choir rehearsal.

At Women Rockin’ Harmony Choirs ® , we embrace voices at all stages of adult life - young adults whose voices are still maturing, post-menopausal voices, post-retirement voices - and everything in between. Our members are finally discovering the social joy, self-expression, and musical growth that they were denied when they were told, all those years ago, to stand at the back and stay quiet.

So what’s the secret sauce? We start by explaining that the voice they had as a child is not the voice they have now. As adults, we also have the agency to learn about discuss things like vocal range, song keys, and harmony parts with a choir leader or singing teacher. Gradually, we lift the veil of mystery around “singing in tune” and help create the rich, blended sound that delights our audiences.

It might take a little time - perhaps a year or two - but we’ve seen so many women who once believed they were “tone deaf” grow into confident, expressive singers who contribute beautifully to our performances. (Spoiler alert: in all my years of teaching, I’ve yet to meet a truly tone-deaf person!)

Over the years, in one-to-one lessons, I’ve heard countless variations of this story - often from highly capable, confident adults in their professional lives, who still carry the sting of that childhood moment. They arrive hoping I can “fix” their voice, when in reality, the voice itself was never broken - only their confidence was.

So here’s my heartfelt advice: if you’ve ever longed to sing but held yourself back because of something said long ago, come along to one of our new members’ nights. You’ll find you’re not alone. Most people there will be feeling exactly as nervous as you - but they came anyway.

Come and discover what your voice can do now. You deserve to be heard and seen.

Click here to find out more about our next New Members Night and register your place.

“The woods would be quiet if no bird sang but the one that sang best.” — Henry van Dyke